Let the maymays hit the floor - And talk more opportune stuff

 That's it. I'm going to force myself to write ONE damn post. And it's going to be about my ever growing suspicion that I'm depressed. It will concern the subject because of a sudden wave of apathy and food cravings that were blatantly out of the ordinary, but I've constantly shown other symptoms as well.

 To get it out of the way, my consultations with the school psychologist have yielded no conclusion of favor of either "yes" or "no". After breaking down in tears multiple times as I explained her my familial history in one appointment and stuttered like an idiot about losing my faith and wondering what to do in another, I picked up on the social cues that she's not had to deal with something even close to the magnitude of my case and decided to skip all following appointments. Goes to show that beyond the memes I can pick up on social cues adequately enough to not be autistic.

 I've fit pretty much any definition of depression I've come across when looking for one. But instead of being general I'm going to look at every characteristic symptom of depression and see talk about how it reflects in me.

 Here goes nothing.

I - Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

  I think I identify most with emptiness out of the four. It seems emotion is harder to go by to me than other people. I don't manage a lot of sadness when something bad happens other than a bit of disquiet. I'm also immune to most jokes that would get someone chortling (Though a good hot dank i*r*o*n*i*c meme is sure to get me cracked up).

 One example I can still gather from my blanking memory (I'll talk about this in a minute) is when my teacher announced that I wasn't advancing to the national stage of the Olympiad. She was proud of me, no problem, but this was eye opening to the fact that I'm not some outstander in English - Which is by far what I'm most skilled in. Take it away and you get and incomplete human being that couldn't keep together a coherent sentence in his native language to save his life and who takes outrageously long to process or react to things. Put it back and you get the same thing that is barely more articulate. I just went "okay", inside and out, when I first heard this.

 Even now I don't have differing feelings regarding this. Something that would ruin someone's day just makes me go "okay", before focusing on other things.

II - Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

 I can't really confidently answer this. I'm not disturbed much in my day-to-day life as I mostly sit on my computer. As written above I react to bad events with a short stab and a brief feeling of acceptance.

III - Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities

 I don't think I was ever that all involved in something to notice a clear loss of interest at a definite point in time. That being said I don't think I would be honest if I said I enjoy anything I currently do in my life (Memes don't count, as they're more entertainment I look after when I need a quick fix of distraction). 

IV - Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

  I haven't noticed anything too out of the ordinary with my sleeping patterns. I go to bed at midnight (Stopped staying up too late after discovering that it's killing braincells) and wake up at 8 or 9 o'clock in the morning.

V - Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

 I notice this feeling when I try to get out of bed but feel that I would rather lay for a few more minutes. Again, I spend almost the entire day on the computer clicking and using the keyboard - Which I don't find intensive.

 Psychologically I'm also hesitant in doing things that would require anything other than sticking to what I already do, from even finishing an anime I've started months ago to visiting a new location when I go on the occasional walk.

VI - Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements

 Yes to all of these, as prior elaborated. 

VII - Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility

VIII - Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

IX - Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide

Jokes aside, while I do ideate myself in hypothetical scenarios of suicide (And other situations, so frequently in fact that I'm sure that the line between healthy brainstorming and schizoid personality disorder has been well crossed) I'd never go through the thing in my current situation. I don't think things would go so awry as to warrant permanently ceasing my consciousness when there is always hope or some internet meme around the corner.

X - Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

I don't currently suffer from this, no. I am however just a little hunchbacked because of leaning towards my monitor for long periods of time.

 Aside from these, there are three more things I want to address:

A - Brain fog

 This is such a pressing issue because I've reached a point where brain fog - that is, forgetfullness, delayed reaction times, and the like - have become a defining feature of who I am as a person. I have no clue how to deal with it, and I think I can do nothing but wait until the ... fog settles. Haha. Very funny.

B - The HUNGRY FEELING

 The HUNGRY FEELING (Capitalized as it's a new blog mini-meme) is a craving, so to say, I've been forced to deal with for a while. Luckily it started manifesting just when I began abstaining from unecessary food to lose weight. To brieve, it's just a feeling that I have to eat, even when I don't feel hungry. I gave in to it several times, and when I do finish eating a snack the craving remains. I'm not putting on any weight as I make sure I'm a good number of calories below what I need to sustain my weight daily.

 But I will get intetionally sidetracked and say that I've not noticed any visible changes in my silhouette ever since I upped my efforts to lose weight. I was thinking that this lack of progress could be attributed to my periodic consumption of sugary iced teas. In which case, I'm giving up. I didn't initiate this effort to attract any girls, I'm in it just to be more satisfied with my image. But I'm not dropping my damn ice tea even if it means keeping a small belly on. I'm fine with being celibate anyways.

Damn you, HUNGRY FEELING

C - Odd Anxiety

 Well, this will be at least moderately embarrasing, but ever since walking on an ostentatiously rickety wooden bridge at a local mall in the city I've had this odd phobia - Which I can at least confirm that it stems from a fear of heights and is related to agoraphobia.

 Basically, I can't stand the following: being near imposingly tall buildings, staying on a flat surface without being near anything to hold onto or a wall (which manifests as a penchant for walking near walls or fences when walking on a sidewalk - Which seems contradictory when I've just said I'm afraid of being near imposingly large buildings), very tall ceilings, crossing zebra walks that are more than four lanes across (I can manage it if I up the pace to running instead of walking when I'm out in town. The fear seems to go away that way), walking on floors other than the ground one in a building(with exception). The sensation of the fear itself is very similar to being scared when located at great heights, in the sense that anxiety starts building up as if the ground was to cave in and swallow me with it. It's highly irrational, unusal, and makes me wonder if I'm starting to develop a mental illness.

 The worst bouts of anxiety I've had thus far were had in front of a large complex (purpose I'm not even sure of) that had an amount of sidewalk and pavement between it and the street, but was just close enough to be in full range of a large, tall and broad "mouth" that led into a hall located inside four different blocks that were united at the highest floors (I'm really not doing a good job of describing the location). I ended up holding onto a concrete pillar - sweated a little - until I convinced my parents to let me get home while they finished whatever business they wanted done.

 Another was actually today, when I took a walk to the mall in which the phobia took birth in the first place, and I think it was caused by a combination of a vast entrance room empty of fixed objects to at least keep my hands near and a high-vaulted ceiling (A little over a floor high). Heartbeat increased and also began sweating a little and I had to leave the building and enter at the other end.

 I'm really starting to lose it.

On my "effort" to lose weight + Future blog posts

 Well, so far my plan was to eat under 2000 calories a day as various websites that calculate one's recommended caloric intake said when inserting my weight and height*. Usually when I feel hungry** I try to take a glass of water to wash the feeling away; This will be relevant shortly on.

 Except that about two days ago I played myself like a damn fiddle. My mom, whom, while being a good gynecologist, is a horrible nutritionist and even went as far to say I'm skinny (Hint: I'm not). Her buying me not exactly the most calorie-free foods and pressure to eat what I'm given lest I get scolded probably played a part in me gaining weight in the first place.

 One day, afraid that maybe I'm exceeding my daily two liters, I ask her if it's possible to "drink too much water". To brief what she said as long as I don't go over 6L I should be fine (But I still gravitate around the 2L mark).

 Then she asked me why I asked this. Being retarded at that particular point in time, instead of coming up with a lie I reveal my masterplan to her.

  She got angry at me but soon left to deal with more urgent matters. I guess she got over what happened and I could resume my trials in peace - With the occasional lie that I've eaten more than I did here and there.

 She's threatened that if I lose even more weight she'll take my computer away - But I'm confident now that she knows I intend to lose weight she'll think I'm skinnier even when I'm not and she has some degree of eyesight problems that wouldn't help her discern what my size would be compared to what it was. Whether she'll take my memes and Runescape away remains to be seen.

 Moving over to other stuff, I've had some blog posts in mind that would help with the content drought that's come with summer. I already have in mind a post on what games I'm thinking about picking up this remaining half of summer, a post on the Trumperor's policies and why I support*** him as a presidential candidate, another on what I'm worried about with my mental health, and an even bigger project:

 Recently I got the idea that I still want to practice my English but I'm too lazy to write something original. So instead I might just prop up a blog where I translate Romanian works (Specifically fairy tales) into English. In a way that would actually be more productive than simple fiction writing because it would help the research of any English-speaking person that somehow has drawn an interest in the Carpathian cavemen's myths. Expect to see it created today or a few days from now on.

 Guess that's it for now.

___

 * - Well, my weight and height since I was 13 (183cm and 92 kilos respectively). I've not had the chance to measure or weigh myself since. I assume I've gotten taller and not that much heavier, so I can still go by the recommendations I've been given.

 ** - It's more of a carving, that could be related to my possible depression. Consultations with the school psychologist were inconclusive.

 *** - I think at this point it's more sympathizing with than supporting him. He's done an amount of gaffes that got me off the Trump Train for a while.

Still not ded

 And tried fooling around with GIMP this time.

 I think I'm finally starting to lose it.

Introducing Autismwave

 So maybe somebody out there has began worrying about me not posting here for a while. In that case I propose that person calms down, and oughts to use my novel, completely original new music genre jam to do this.

So sit back, close your eyes, and wonder where it all went wrong.

 Yeh but to cut things short I found a program that filters images to look really jpeg-ish and toyed around with the memes I thought it would be funny to upload and convert.

 Not much happened in real life. I'm on my way to making back the money I lost in Runescape - I'd have it all gathered if 1000 herbs I put up for sale actually sold. That investment wasn't one of my brightest.

C U C K O L D E D

 Ayy lads looks like I ironically got hacked on Runescape, had my equipment as well as some of my most precious items ironically sold and cash ironically given away.

Layers of irony. Like an onion. Induces tears of pure joy.

 

 Knowing I had to secure my account I went through the necessary steps after hours of clicking around not being really sure of what I was supposed to do.

 My account is okay now, and I've started making up for the cash lost. If all goes according to plan, In a few days I will be out of this whole ordeal with a suit of armor better than my previous equipment. In fact, in the game's lore there's an entire philosophy of a deity that bases itself on this concept - That all the chaos one is put through will inevitably result in one surviving it a stronger individual than before facing it. Though the god of this religion - Which is an exalted extraterrestrial - and its followers tend to interpret this as "DUDE SUMMON DEMONS TO KILL EVERYBODY LMAO".

 Before succeeding, I tried making a post on reddit asking what I should do and if I can get my items back. The responses were pretty aggressive, and I got mass-downvoted for no reason. But I wasn't all that taken aback as I had previous experience with this - Back when Stellaris wasn't released questions that redditors deemed "asked too often" were also downvoted which probably resulted in some people being turned away*.

 Of all places, a particular imageboard helped me with my issue, which was really surprising, because you'd expect reddit the place to get help when redditors weren't busy downvoting people they didn't deem worthy of their time. Yet the same imageboard where my only answer to asking why France is so much more developed than Iberia or the British Isles in EU4 was a video of a dog getting thrown off a multiple story building was the one that came to my aid. This is some anime stuff right here.

 Bittersweet as this ending may seem, I still have 7m to rake over. Hopefully this won't be too infernal.

mfw I have to get my RuneBux back

___

 * - The funny thing is that the moment Stellaris was released everybody was hysterical about not turning people away by making fun of them for not being knowledgeable about Paradox games. At least I try not to be disingenuous when I want to give somebody on the internet a bad memey time.

Not dead update: New avatar edizzione

  So I was killing time on the internet as expected and thought to myself: "Been a while since I last wrote something on my blog. Maybe it's about time I make a new post.". But, me being me, I put this off for a considerable amount of time as I surfed my routine sites until I stumbled upon this golden metameme:

  Normally the average person would go "what?" at this image, but anybody that bothered giving this blog a look of the corner of the eye will see that I'm not a normal person. So what do I think?

 "Hmm, could make a meme I how I spend unhealthy spans of time on Runescape ironically - I'd ironically say I'm ironically playing Runescape too much; Layers of irony, ha ha."

 So I check Know Your Meme (Don't judge bls) to see the original, to find out that this is it. Not seeing in this the most tasteful thing to post on my blog in case an old granny stumbles on it and wonders what in goodness gracious' name is going on, but it's here for retelling reasons.

 I see that they have a section on "Exploitables" (Image memes with a blank space in them which the user can put his own input into*) and check to see what other memes there's in stock for me. And, why me, I find this nostalgic meme that was already dying in the year I started browsing 4Wingzhou (2014):

You're supposed to edit it yourself, remember?

 Redditors and 9gaggers are probably consuming its carcass as I type. But regardless,

 This seemed to be it - A meme that I could easily try to edit seeing that you only need to copy it in MSpaint and get drawing. As I couldn't make a meme about ironically killing myself with a video game however, I decided I'd just make a new avatar for my blog account based on my RS character.

 But there were some hindrances and difficulties in the process. 

I ended up having to remove the right eye because I couldn't for the love of me look aesthetic with a beak near it. Also ended up having to crop the arms and move them apart for the thicker look.

 Here is my in-game model for reference:

Kittus for scale

 After finishing this, I realized two things: I bought a model where the male's sides are exposed (no homo) which should serve as a lesson to pay more attention to things in the future.

 And, the second being...

I'm now a furry artist.

Oh, hey, it's this video again. Gets me nostalgic, innit.

 For anybody that is reading this post and that's never been on my blog before it, here was my original avatar:

Worry not, comfyknight will return when summer ends and deppression returns. For the time being we'll give him a break.

 I guess this was it for now.

___

 * - Must make sure the granny understands everything that I'm talking about here.

Still not dead: Lifestyle edition

 You know, I'd really like to be my RuneScape character. I could stroll through a wonderfully developed fantasy setting, amass millions of gold coins, be able to forge armors that could make a skilled warrior be able to take on a modern tank single-handedly with just a hammer and anvil, earn the favors of physical deities, but perhaps best of all, down a bucket of chocolate milk without putting on weight.

 Yes, this is going to be a post about trying to lose weight, because for all the spite I have for normies of my age we do have a newly-found consciousness about our physique in common.

 There's not much to say, really. I've just decided that I'm not happy with being relatively plump/skinnyfat and cut down on calorie consumption in such a way that would permit me to lose some of my belly. I'm not starving myself, but just keeping myself hungry to a level that's not extensively harmful.

 And to an extent, even though I don't have a weighing scale at home, I have seen some visible improvement. I wasn't really "fat" before - But my stomach's angle has straightened in relation to my ribcage - Which is in itself another hurdle I'm going to have to jump over soon. It's protruding and some quick internet """research"""  hints at there being some corrective exercises I could partake in to make it narrower.

 There wasn't really a point to this post other than filling up an uneventful segment of time to signify that I've not died in a car crash or anything similar to that.

 2bh summer is pretty uneventful.

Decided to start playing EU4 again

 I have been building up a glorious Großdwarviums.

 Yes I did cheat a tiny lil' bit in this game by adding myself some mana at points but the personal union was entirely my work :^)

#Faragedidnothingwrong

 We can do this lads.

Quest for the Set days 5 and 6 (Plus life stuff)

 Have been spent training my combat as well as agility but I've not yet met the required level of the latter to enter the GWD. The more days pass the more I lose interest in exclusively levelling the skills necessary for retrieving my armor set and I expect to increase the spans of time a post will be dedicated to this "quest" to three days.

That out of the way, I promised I'll tie up some of the loose ends of this blog - AKA some stuff I've mentioned in this blog for a while that I've not looked back on that people might show some interest for.

 Firstly, I don't play EU4 that much anymore (Though I'd like to crank up a GroßSpania campaign and play it thoroughly were there a thousand hours in a day I could waste on my frivolities*) - Runescape's taking up most of my time now. You'll see me post some campaign picks if I pick up playing it again, however.

 I've mentioned a contest organized by a youtube channel I watch where the participants had to come up with backstories for four out of five random symbols and submit them before a date which was last month. When I got myself to take another look at the signs I saw that there wasn't really any common element to them that would help me make a backstory for them, and being the guy of least resistance I gave up. I've also ceased to bother about writing a short story for that "The Bard" magazine indefinitely as I've decided it would be a wiser choice to get better at English up until the point I can confidently read a novel cover to cover without feeling like I should google a word just to make sure I know when to use it or what it means.

 The kitten mom's adopted is doing fine. He's grown up and not dropped the habit of biting and scratching, but he's becoming more capable of surviving on his own and mom has started leaving him wander the house's garden and checks on him periodically to see if he wants to return.

 My weeaboo acquiantance was pretty disappointed at me for not going on the school trip, but he wasn't angry. He told me he'd forgive me if I finished watching an anime he's recommended me for a while (Evangelion**, to be more exact) before the school year ends. I'm still short of the movie and two episodes to finishing it. Worst's come to worst and he's decided that he is going to switch schools and I can't really blame him, I'd also like to switch to a liberal arts highschool*.

 But that takes work.

 And I think that was all that needed to be "wrapped up" for this summer. An interesting occurrence I'd like to post is when three (more accurately four, since I'm also writing this post past midnight) days ago I went on a walk through the city centre and ended up meeting with my form teacher - Whom which I exchanged a few awkward answers to her questions on if I'm doing well - but also had a person that claimed to have been just released out of prison ask me for some money to help him get home.

 And this is what I'd like to elaborate on. Not to be rude, but the guy did seem like an ex-prisoner, and he offered to show me his ID if I suspected him of being a beggar that was only using that story as a pretext. I only had 4 slavbux left on me and I gave them to him, and he seemed sincerely glad about it and thanked me.

 Now, reading some previous entries one can guess I'm pretty hostile towards people I deem as "Unempathetic, unintelligent and aggressive" - And if one were to make a risky leap of logic s/he could assume I'm not the most empathetic person towards inmates. While that was/used to be true to an extent I was aware that some people have to resort to crime due to circumstances out of their control. But until that event brought the latter factor into attention I didn't take it into consideration much - Afterwards, this got me thinking about whether I'm favoring the right approach to criminals. Criminals coming out of prison dispossessed - Such as the person I had the encounter with - often have no choice but to continue committing crimes to sustain themselves. I acknowledged this before, but again, didn't take it much into consideration. Now I'm certainly questioning my lines of thought in the treatment of criminals and this has pushed me further into the rehabilitative side of the rehabilitative-punitive spectrum. I don't care what that man did, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that the money went to helping him turn his life around. And I can rest assured knowing that by helping that man out with what I had on myself I've had better intentions than that of over half the corrupt political class of this nation.

We getting populist in here.

 I wanted to end this post with the passing thought that since a few days ago I've practically been friendless for over a year. The weaboo acquaintance doesn't count because past chatting a bit in breaks there wasn't that much of a social connection between us two.

 I guess a change in theme song is due.

 

___

 * - I've heard alien entrepreneurs are organizing summer trips to planets where the day lasts a thousand hours. Quite the hot deal - In all ways of the word.

 ** - Or Evangerion, as it rorrs on the rips of those living in grorious Nippon.

 *** - We're talking the liberal arts thaught in Eastern Europe, which albeit are taught as poorly by state education as one'd think, it's better than the quasi-marxist stuff that seems to be taught in the West.