Let the maymays hit the floor - And talk more opportune stuff

 That's it. I'm going to force myself to write ONE damn post. And it's going to be about my ever growing suspicion that I'm depressed. It will concern the subject because of a sudden wave of apathy and food cravings that were blatantly out of the ordinary, but I've constantly shown other symptoms as well.

 To get it out of the way, my consultations with the school psychologist have yielded no conclusion of favor of either "yes" or "no". After breaking down in tears multiple times as I explained her my familial history in one appointment and stuttered like an idiot about losing my faith and wondering what to do in another, I picked up on the social cues that she's not had to deal with something even close to the magnitude of my case and decided to skip all following appointments. Goes to show that beyond the memes I can pick up on social cues adequately enough to not be autistic.

 I've fit pretty much any definition of depression I've come across when looking for one. But instead of being general I'm going to look at every characteristic symptom of depression and see talk about how it reflects in me.

 Here goes nothing.

I - Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness

  I think I identify most with emptiness out of the four. It seems emotion is harder to go by to me than other people. I don't manage a lot of sadness when something bad happens other than a bit of disquiet. I'm also immune to most jokes that would get someone chortling (Though a good hot dank i*r*o*n*i*c meme is sure to get me cracked up).

 One example I can still gather from my blanking memory (I'll talk about this in a minute) is when my teacher announced that I wasn't advancing to the national stage of the Olympiad. She was proud of me, no problem, but this was eye opening to the fact that I'm not some outstander in English - Which is by far what I'm most skilled in. Take it away and you get and incomplete human being that couldn't keep together a coherent sentence in his native language to save his life and who takes outrageously long to process or react to things. Put it back and you get the same thing that is barely more articulate. I just went "okay", inside and out, when I first heard this.

 Even now I don't have differing feelings regarding this. Something that would ruin someone's day just makes me go "okay", before focusing on other things.

II - Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters

 I can't really confidently answer this. I'm not disturbed much in my day-to-day life as I mostly sit on my computer. As written above I react to bad events with a short stab and a brief feeling of acceptance.

III - Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities

 I don't think I was ever that all involved in something to notice a clear loss of interest at a definite point in time. That being said I don't think I would be honest if I said I enjoy anything I currently do in my life (Memes don't count, as they're more entertainment I look after when I need a quick fix of distraction). 

IV - Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much

  I haven't noticed anything too out of the ordinary with my sleeping patterns. I go to bed at midnight (Stopped staying up too late after discovering that it's killing braincells) and wake up at 8 or 9 o'clock in the morning.

V - Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort

 I notice this feeling when I try to get out of bed but feel that I would rather lay for a few more minutes. Again, I spend almost the entire day on the computer clicking and using the keyboard - Which I don't find intensive.

 Psychologically I'm also hesitant in doing things that would require anything other than sticking to what I already do, from even finishing an anime I've started months ago to visiting a new location when I go on the occasional walk.

VI - Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements

 Yes to all of these, as prior elaborated. 

VII - Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that aren't your responsibility

VIII - Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things

IX - Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide

Jokes aside, while I do ideate myself in hypothetical scenarios of suicide (And other situations, so frequently in fact that I'm sure that the line between healthy brainstorming and schizoid personality disorder has been well crossed) I'd never go through the thing in my current situation. I don't think things would go so awry as to warrant permanently ceasing my consciousness when there is always hope or some internet meme around the corner.

X - Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

I don't currently suffer from this, no. I am however just a little hunchbacked because of leaning towards my monitor for long periods of time.

 Aside from these, there are three more things I want to address:

A - Brain fog

 This is such a pressing issue because I've reached a point where brain fog - that is, forgetfullness, delayed reaction times, and the like - have become a defining feature of who I am as a person. I have no clue how to deal with it, and I think I can do nothing but wait until the ... fog settles. Haha. Very funny.

B - The HUNGRY FEELING

 The HUNGRY FEELING (Capitalized as it's a new blog mini-meme) is a craving, so to say, I've been forced to deal with for a while. Luckily it started manifesting just when I began abstaining from unecessary food to lose weight. To brieve, it's just a feeling that I have to eat, even when I don't feel hungry. I gave in to it several times, and when I do finish eating a snack the craving remains. I'm not putting on any weight as I make sure I'm a good number of calories below what I need to sustain my weight daily.

 But I will get intetionally sidetracked and say that I've not noticed any visible changes in my silhouette ever since I upped my efforts to lose weight. I was thinking that this lack of progress could be attributed to my periodic consumption of sugary iced teas. In which case, I'm giving up. I didn't initiate this effort to attract any girls, I'm in it just to be more satisfied with my image. But I'm not dropping my damn ice tea even if it means keeping a small belly on. I'm fine with being celibate anyways.

Damn you, HUNGRY FEELING

C - Odd Anxiety

 Well, this will be at least moderately embarrasing, but ever since walking on an ostentatiously rickety wooden bridge at a local mall in the city I've had this odd phobia - Which I can at least confirm that it stems from a fear of heights and is related to agoraphobia.

 Basically, I can't stand the following: being near imposingly tall buildings, staying on a flat surface without being near anything to hold onto or a wall (which manifests as a penchant for walking near walls or fences when walking on a sidewalk - Which seems contradictory when I've just said I'm afraid of being near imposingly large buildings), very tall ceilings, crossing zebra walks that are more than four lanes across (I can manage it if I up the pace to running instead of walking when I'm out in town. The fear seems to go away that way), walking on floors other than the ground one in a building(with exception). The sensation of the fear itself is very similar to being scared when located at great heights, in the sense that anxiety starts building up as if the ground was to cave in and swallow me with it. It's highly irrational, unusal, and makes me wonder if I'm starting to develop a mental illness.

 The worst bouts of anxiety I've had thus far were had in front of a large complex (purpose I'm not even sure of) that had an amount of sidewalk and pavement between it and the street, but was just close enough to be in full range of a large, tall and broad "mouth" that led into a hall located inside four different blocks that were united at the highest floors (I'm really not doing a good job of describing the location). I ended up holding onto a concrete pillar - sweated a little - until I convinced my parents to let me get home while they finished whatever business they wanted done.

 Another was actually today, when I took a walk to the mall in which the phobia took birth in the first place, and I think it was caused by a combination of a vast entrance room empty of fixed objects to at least keep my hands near and a high-vaulted ceiling (A little over a floor high). Heartbeat increased and also began sweating a little and I had to leave the building and enter at the other end.

 I'm really starting to lose it.