OH YEAH!

 Just when I thought things were bad with my current conduct grade being a 9.50/10, today our form teacher decided that it would be a wonderful idea to lower it by another .50 under the pretext of us not taking good care of our class appliances.

 This might not sound as terrible as it is, but having a conduct grade of 9/10 means that I'm basically not going to get into any decent university once I finish high-school, and it's also busted any hopes of moving to a different school.

 My future is literally destroyed if she doesn't raise it at some point; And I trust that this blog is reason enough for anybody to believe that I'm not a man of hyperbola.

 

 I happened to have my weekly appointment with my psychologist* today, and broke into tears when I told her this. She comforted me that the form teacher will raise my grade at the end of the semester anyways, and is doing this only to force the class to behave. While this calmed me at the time of her telling me this, I'm already returning to being disillusioned.

 That aside, I actually cried in front of the psychologist for the first (and in no way least) time. We've not even gotten to the juicy stuff.

___ 

 * - She's actually the school psychologist, if this is the first post you're reading in this blog. I'm reffering her as my psychologist for convenience purposes.

Update

 Today marked the day in which I resume my regular school schedule. It was pretty bad tbh.

 During the first class - Chemistry -  standard stuff happens. From my Romanian/Literature class, onward things started deteriorating. Only when I reached school did I find out we were taking a lecture test on a book we were assigned to read for Romanian. The good news is that I've read the book a month in advance. The bad news is that I read the book a month in advance.
 The questions in the quiz were the most pedantic **** imaginable, and I suspect I'm going to get at most a 4/10 this test; Which is great considering the fact that due to all my olympiad training I missed enough hours to fall behind in grades. This will make Romanian the second subject I risk failing at, which could theoretically make me take a test in summer to see if I repeat the year or not.

 But I'm not really anxious about this. What ruined the deal for me was when I phoned my English teacher to ask for my exact olympiad results and position. Turns out my total grade was 9.58/10 and I was on the tenth place - That's right, not even in the 5th place to get a mention.

 At first I was like:

And then I was like:

But then I was like:

 My teacher and parents congratulated me, and while I don't doubt that they're genuine, I'm still disappointed with myself. English is the best thing I'm at in life and these results proved me that I'm not a special snowflake. This might seem like a life lesson to help on my way to maturity, but I was confiding in a prodigious talent in English for my future and it crumbled down like a house of cards. I swear I'll be flipping burgers at 30 if I keep going on like this.
 All this self-deprecation seems redundant to me, when I can just slap an emo song in this post and call it a day.

 I'm actually going to do just that.

 CRAAAAWLING IN MY MEMES

 On a side-note: I tried self-harming today by slitting my left-hand wrist with a kitchen knife - cleaned it up and all - but was too scared of accidentally making a gash too deep and killing myself. So there's that for being emo, momentarily.

 Moving on to other things, I did have a bunch of resolutions for today, and went through with only one of it: Make an askreddit thread about depression that I'd have expected not only to give me some good advice on how to deal with my current emotions but also let me rake in some sweet karma. Literally nobody upvoted it. No idea why, though; It wasn't formulated any differently from the stuff you see hit the front page.

 Neverminding that, the unfulfilled resolutions were as follows:

 - Write on a piece of paper what makes me believe I could have Asperger's, early psychosis or depression and discuss it with my psychologist tomorrow.

 - Start watching some anime* a school friend/acquaintance recommended me

 - Start hobby-writing again (more of a general objective rather than one specific to this day)

 There's not been any real reason for me not doing these. Just feeling unmotivated as usual.

 It's late at night here at the time of writing this post; I guess that's it for now.

___

 * - My autism is reaching critical mass. It was bound to happen at some point.

Feeling Like A Loser

 Yesterday I wanted to make a post about how things went down but wasn't really in the mood. Especially after having to recall that fair incident. To sum it up now,  I spent the day at the school library doing listening exercises. A few hours into the day my acquaintance/friend came (voluntarily, asked by my teacher) to talk with me in English. I talk to him about EU4 and the Commonwealth campaign I was playing then*.
 Teacher herself comes in a bit later to do some actual exercising with me and try to motivate me for the following assessments. Then the day's over and I go home.

 Then comes today, when I actually go to the assessments. I do the listening one and, as I would later on find out, got a 9.70/10 for it, and the speaking one, for which I got a 9.40/10. It's not enough to get me into the nationals, and even though my teacher is happy with the results, I'm still pretty disappointed. I have only three more shots at getting to the finals and if I can't manage to get into the nationals at least once I can hardly imagine myself keeping up with putting bread on the table as an English teacher, let alone an author**.

 I suspect that I'll actually have to catch up with the #%@*ton of lessons I've missed doing this training, which is already a bothersome thought.

 To add insult to injury, I've spent the entire afternoon "building" another Commonwealth in EU4 only to get into the same Russians-Ottomans vs Me quagmire. Posting a screencap of my previous PLC*** game, in a very similar situation, on the eu4 subreddit got me one almost instant downvote, which made me reflexively delete my post. I won't bother re-uploading it and I'll just assume that I'm more horrible at this game than I should be.

 At the end of the day, this is who I really am. A devastatingly short-attention spanned freak with no friends that will always end up on the second, third, fourth, etc. places even when trying my best. God help my psychologist because she still has no clue how unsalvageable I am.

 Memes are the only thing keeping me alive, man.

 ___

 * - A screencap of which is in my last post. I had to scrap it because Muscovy turned into Russia and by no way in hell was I going to continue to deal with the Ottomans and Rooskies.

 ** - I could still theoretically become a lawyer if I go through with the cutting ordeal. 

 *** - Polish-Lithuanian-Commonwealth

On a lighter note...

The REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 TONIGHT
 WE ARE GOING TO WITNESS THE MOST ANTICIPATED AUTISM IN THE (short) HISTORY OF THE DANKLANDS, FOR THE CRINGE CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE WORLD.

 ARE YA READY!?!?

 CRINGE FANS!

 ARE YOU RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEAADY?

 FOR THE (quarter) DOZEN IN ATTENDANCE, THE SCORE WATCHING AROUND THE WORLD, FROM THE CAPITAL CITY OF THE DANKLANDS, ASBURG*, LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND ATTACK HELICOPTERS** . . .

 LLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEET'S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 

 Just a heads up, If you're expecting some top-cringe you might probably be disappointed, but you will feel like cringing.

 Some detail and backstory are in order, obviously: Some university fair/event was happening in town and my mother decided that it would be a great idea to go there to see what sort of requirements I have to fulfill to get into uni. I would have rather broken a leg than go to that even before I went there from the beginning, but it only got worse.

 She puts me to sign up for the thing online, which I do, using my 100%-legit-I-will-not-make-troll-accounts-with-this email. Once I insert all necessary personal information and my interests I enter a "sign up for x stands" page. I tell my mother this, and she some-****ing-how understands this as getting redirected to a page where you have to rent a stand, which will be important for later down the story. Anyways, signing up for a stand signaled not only that I would have to talk with some stranger that could also be from a completely different country but actually having me presented whatever thing and implicitly having to talk with him. Call it Asperger's Syndrome, call it social anxiety, but I cannot stand places full of people or talking with total strangers, this fair having plenty of both.

 You may begin listening to the atmospheric music now.

 The morning next day my mom insisted that I was going to the fair, but since it was early morning and my eyes felt like falling out like they usually do I did not happen to give a damn. When school finished, my mom was waiting outside the gate, which, aside from making me look like a clinical retard for having my mom come after me at school despite being able to go home alone, meant that I really have to go to that fair. She also brought a chocolate which I never asked for, and I had to eat that ****er up otherwise she gets paranoid and asks me if I've read something on the internet that wants to make me diet, and threatens to take away my computer if I have indeed done so***.

 Disregarding that, we reach the building it was hosted in and I'm already anxious about the whole ordeal because it's full of people. Some staff welcome and prompt us to register on some computers nearby the entrance. I guess I wanted to tell them I already signed up online, but my mother tells them I did for me and also that after signing up I was redirected to a page where I could rent stands. The staff realized this made no sense and I was wordless to fix my mother's ****-up, so I silently walk to a computer and sign up again. Except that this time, I had to use a different email.

 I had no choice but to associate my real-life name with an e-mail I used to sign up for DeviantArt when I was 12. The problem is that when I was 12 I happened to be just discovering /pol/, and because 12-year-old me didn't yet get the concept of sarcasm I went on the most offensive rants and insulting every ethnicity that lies under the sun, even getting genocidal at points. Clearly, I no longer believe in what I've written there, but from now on I literally have my name stapled to those posts.
 I need to stretch how mad I'm about this. Now, even if I actually somehow become a successful writer or anything, someone will find those messages and show everyone what I said. My life is over at just 14, just because my psychotic-spectrum mom wanted me to go to some retarded convention. I'm physically anxious even when writing this, and I could say angry, but there's nobody to be angry at. It's been too long to confront my mom about this, but confrontation is useless - She's too detached from reality to understand why what happened bothers me and she'd just say that I'm getting negative influences from the internet and take my computer away****.

 Once we're in I'm not only anxious but pissed. I wander around pointlessly and wait for the right moment to leave the building when my mom's not looking. I decide that simply sitting on one of the benches in the nearest bus station playing snake on my cellphone***** was the best course of action.

 The story would be over if it was.

 The first people that come in the station are some students from the fair that literally stink - The stink of not having washed in a while. Or, at least, they smelled slightly like the homeless around here do. But, who knows, maybe their showers broke or something. I wasn't that bothered by them. I would be bothered by what came next.

 A wild horde of gopnik normies wandering from the fair appear in the station, and the alpha gopnitsa starts laughing; Right then I wasn't sure if she was laughing at me or at something else, but later events imply that she was laughing at me. To her credit, I was wearing glasses, playing snake on a cellphone and wearing a jacket that made me look like a blue version pink guy. I'd generally pity (in a non-patronizing way) a person that was dressed as stupidly as me, but normies seem to be oblivious to the concept of empathy here.
 To help you picture the group better: Imagine a bunch of guys and girls in their 20s - The guys are football hooligans that beat eachother up over whichever team wins and the girls, while pretty, have probably already went through with their second abortion. Even better - These were probably the kind of people that convinced Hitler that slavs are subhuman; But in the end all ethnic groups are subhuman if you look only at their genetic detritus. Just accept that these people exist and employ them in a factory somewhere in the mountains, no need for genociding entire peoples for their worst******.

 Uncomfortable, I leave and pick another bench to sit on reasonably far away. The normies have actually been following me, but gave themselves away when who I presume was the alpha gopnik called me out. I leave again, and nimbly navigate my way around the building in which the fair is hosted. I completely leave the vicinity when I see the horde (in reality it was more like 8 people tbh) of normies going after me.

 Once I'm fed up with playing snake I call mom and tell here I want to leave. She allows me to get a taxi and I royally **** off away from that place hopefully forever.

 I was angry when I came home and I got angry just typing this.

 Now, if you don't mind me, I could really use some memesulin*******.

 ___ 

 * - Play on words for Asperger it's really funny xDDdDd 

 ** - People out there identify as attack helicopters. It's only right we are inclusive to them - It's 2016 for crying out loud!

 *** - She does this for every. Single. Fat food item she buys out of nowhere. I'm not fat, barely even plump (Have a BMI of 27.5 going by the data I had last time I measured my height and weight. It was one year ago, though.), and have started to cut down on garbage foods and even standing up to being force fed. I've felt queasy from all the food I was put to ingest sometimes but never puked - so far. I'll draw the line when that happens.

 You might either be thinking that I'm bull****ing or that this is child abuse. For the former: you've gotta listen and believe. For the latter: It probably is, but if I were to choose between continuing to suffer through this or getting the opportunity to call child services I'd still stay with my family. Not because of any emotional ties, mind you, it's just that my PC and the internet iare the only things I have in my life right now.

 **** - You people underestimate how important the internet is to me as a person.

 ***** - I have a cellphone because my parents are afraid I'll break a smartphone. Don't ask; Listen and believe.

 ****** - If I sound butthurt it's because I am, the edginess is one of the end results of this. I don't actually endorse Hitler's ideology or genocide. 

 ******* - It's funny because it's a play on words between meme and insulin X^DDD  because I take memes to control my sad levels just like a diabetic would take insulin to control his glucose
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

The Good, The Bad and The REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 As promised yesterday, an account of it is due, events of which I'll separate for convenience.

 The Good:

 I was still feeling pretty great about myself, good Olympiad results and all. The best thing to happen that day, though, was that I finally managed to get in touch with the school's psychologist.
 She doesn't think I act like someone with Asperger's or early schizophrenia* , so that's good.

 Oh yeah she also said I talk like a really smart person btw (totally not bragging tho tbqh fampai)

 The Bad:

  In this country - or city, as far as I know - there's this "service kid" tradition in schools; Based on their school catalogue** number, a new kid is cycled through every day and s/he is supposed to fulfill certain responsibilites, one of which is taking out the trash (In my school it's 2 kids/day, but that's irrelevant). For multiple days in a row the trash did not get taken out in my class, and since our form teacher was already pretty fed up with us, she lowered the "conduct grade***" of everybody by half a point.
 Now, what is really ****ty about this is that A - I'm no longer eligible for a free bus subscription, B - I can no longer get a scholarship and, by far the ****tiest of them all, I can't sign up to a law school anymore - Becoming a lawyer wasn't my primary focus, but it's good to keep your options open. No, the teacher's not willing to negotiate unless I (or anybody else, for the matter) get good grades, which won't happen anytime soon, so that's out of the window.
 I've not even told my parents about this and am unsure how they'll react, but I won't risk it****.

 _{This might signal mental health issues, but I've considered getting into wrist-slitting just to scare her into raising my grade back.}

 Anyways next:

  The REEEEE:

 This is actually so bad I'm going to write an entire new post about it. It's just maddening.

 It's so bad I need to take a break and breathe in the memes to be able to talk about it.

___

 * - We spent an hour discussing what I want to get out of these sessions and about myself. When we were wrapping up she brought up that I switch from topic to topic too quickly, without finishing up on what we were supposed to talk about in the first place. Knowing this, I still have suspicions about belonging on the psychotic spectrum or risking developing a disorder in it.

** - It's a thing where your school attendance and grades are written down for all teachers to see. The picture the words link to is sorta how it looks (I got it off google images don't get me in legal trouble pls).

*** - It starts from a 10. Form teachers lower it as they see fit up until a certain point when a council of teachers decides if the grade should be lowered any further.

**** - As this blog goes on you'll realize these decisions are backed by something more than just teenage edginess.

English Olympiad Results

 So yesterday I managed to find out what my Olympiad results were.

  I actually got a 9.65/10 on the thing.*

 mfw

  The thing's not done just yet; I still have a listening&speaking test to give on the 26th. Only one kid can advance to the nationals, yet even though I have a slim but realistic chance of being the kid autistic enough to succeed, I don't feel any more hyped about this thing than I was when I signed up for the school stage**.

 This is it, really. I'm continuing to study in the school library and all.

 A bunch of crappy stuff did happen today, which will be told in my next post***.

 ___

* - Listen and believe.

** - You'll really have to listen and believe if this sounds like bull****, because it does and as said I can't prove otherwise. Alternatively, if you're into eldritch latin, you can give this page a try. The first link as of writing this post contains an incomplete list of the uncontested Olympiad results, mine not included. I assume that by the time anybody reads this the whole results will be in; Look for a kid named "Alfons" and my result should be there.

*** - I'll write it today (less likely) or tomorrow (more likely), whenever I'm in the mood.

The Epic Of The English Olympiad

(Pictured Above: Artist's depiction of the decipherability of my grammar)

 Today I just participated in the county stage of the English Olympiad (And I completely fluked it but don't tell anybody pls). Of course, this statement has a very deep backstory that I have to elaborate on:

 You might believe - Or, alternatively, entirely be skeptical that - I'm really good at English for a foreigner my age. You might be right.

 What's certain, however, is that I knew English well enough to get qualified in my country's English Olympiad. If you don't know what an Olympiad is, it's sorta like this except that the English Olympiad is less about science and more about eligibility for getting a job that pays only a sixth of the US minimum wage over here.*

 The Olympiad is separated into multiple stages: School, Locality, County and the National stage (I'm not aware/informed about an international).

 Prior to participating in this Olympiad, almost exactly a year ago as of writing this, I've taken a Cambridge English Advanced exam, got a 204 score out of a maximum of 210, which gave me a C2-level certificate, all of this when I was just 13**.

 Fast forward to 9th grade, when our English teacher (which also happens to be our form teacher) asks the class who is willing to sign up for the English Olympiad. I'm one of the volunteers, and when the results come in I'm the only guy that's advanced to the next (locality) stage***.

 School goes as usual for the following weeks until my teacher pardons me for ~2 weeks****. Instead of going to classes like usual, I and two other kids spent the day in the school library doing whatever we were assigned by the teacher and skimming over a book or two during pauses.

 The examination occurs and I as well as one of the other kids I studied with advance to the County stage (This country is divided in counties btw). Again, everything goes on as usual until the last two weeks when I and the other guy get pardoned from our classes and proceed as usual.

 Problem is, I'm a really unmotivated, lazy f*** (Possibly due to depression*****), and while my teacher overlooked my lack of satisfying work the first time we had these training sessions, I was really getting on her nerves this time. Tbf, I've been a pain to her more often than not, she's even had a relative die recently, so I can't judge her. Anyways, she's angry and warns me that she'll make me regret it if I soil her reputation by not advancing (Again, I find her justified here, so I'm not particularly outraged about this).

 Today came the examination, and while I can't say I've butchered the thing, I'm 100% sure I'm not going to get the 9.50/10 required to get to the nationals. While my teacher probably won't do anything too rough to me I still feel slightly guilty about this, since, C2 and all, I was a pretty promising kid and my sloth/depression has not only destroyed another person's hopes but also put an emotional strain on them; Which only further serves to prove that I'm a worthless subhuman that's a net loss for society at the end of the day.

 Slightly related: When the testing was over, I decided to hang out with the other participant from my school for a while. We talked about some things, (Happened to find out that the only store that sold decent board games closed down recently, not that I had anybody to play them with anyways) and now I think I finally have a friend for the first time in half a year. Feels good man.

___

* - That job's name? English teacher. The starting pay for a teacher is around $2/hour here. But, prices are also lower here, so this isn't as nightmarish as you might imagine.

** - You are probably calling bull**** on this, and I don't blame you; Because I can't provide you with photographic evidence (translated: can't take photos), you are 100% in the logical right here. You'll have to listen and believe with a lot of stuff here.

*** - Listen and believe, fam. Listen and believe.

**** - It's been about two months ago and I have the memory of an Alzheimer's patient, you'll have to excuse me for any current and future inaccurate details.

***** - It has not yet been made apparent in this blog, but I'm a depressing mother****er, trust me.

First Complete EUIV Ironman Run

 What you're seeing here is the result of almost 30 hours of (poor) empire-management. (The game is Europa Universalis 4)

 I have no idea what to add tbh. The entire game was a slow grind consisting of slowly eating up the Maghreb, from Morocco to the south in Sus, then going west in Tunis. The conquest of the latter was assured when I managed to wrest one of their three highest developed regions away from their grasp. The other two followed, and two wars later all that's left of Tunis is one region in Egypt that proceeds to get annexed by the Ottomans, formerly Tunis' allies (Pretty tragic, I know).

 My Sub-Saharan territories were gained in a war declared by Kanem Bornu (The blue nation that's almost completely offscreen) in 1819, one year before the game ends. By taking a ****ton of loans and turning up just at the moment my enemy was to have a few revolts going on, I managed to form the blob(s) that you're looking at right now.

 Off-Screen I had about half of Indonesia under my control. My American colonies, on the other hand, revolted and I had no choice but to offer them independence.

 Overall it's been a pretty poor game going by average EUIV player standards, but at I least I didn't royally **** up as I did in other playthroughs. Baby steps, eh?

My "Projects"

To cut it short, my "projects" are long-term writing I'm planning on updating irregularly.

Sadly, due to what is most likely depression, I've lost all motivation to continue them.*

Fall of an Age  - Stars a paladin trying to survive the downfall of a cheap Western Roman Empire Expy** with other survivors. As the story progresses the paladin's team becomes more and more "colorful" and the Inland Archocracy collapses.

Dwarfpolis - A worldbuilding project that got way out of hand. Literally sci-fi dwarves living on another planet; As stupid as it sounds it wasn't that bad and right now it's all a matter of continuing to update the overview and I might just get a neat thing done. Good luck with getting me to work, though.

* - If someone was actually reading and willing to critique what I've written I would be more than happy to pick up where I've left *hint*.

** - The setting itself is just a rip-off of real world history, save for adding magic and monsters in it. It's better than how I described it here, but not that great either.

The Great Blogger Migration

 Why?
 Because:

• I'm too lazy to bother with coding my own tumblr layout
• This site actually has a neat and user-friendly interface that I can customize to my own preferences (as proven by the comfy knight in the background) 
• I've already had one too many encounters with SJW's. Posting on tumblr while being mildly conservative is asking for more.

And because instead of selectively purging each tumblr post I deem irrelevant/compromising, I can just copy what posts I've made there and like here and destroy the rest of that hoard of cringe.

After all, what could go wrong?