Laddy Poppins

 (This post is a mess. I've felt a pressure in my head when I began writing it which fizzled out to simple light-headedness as I neared completion. Take that into consideration.)

 (Post-publication caveat: At one point I mention I've developed a proneness to lashing out at people. By this I mean I may raise the volume of my voice passive-aggresively, not that I resort to physical violence or threats as definitions of the idiom would insinuate)

 Well, it's good to see that I'm still going insane. Really makes you think huh.

There is no winning against the darkness.

 I was planning on making a light-hearted post about how two of my teachers are really "woke" and/or "truth-pilled*" after one had made some remarks on current geopolitics and how she would rather see Trump president rather than his opposing contender and another showed subtle hints of awareness of fringe, ideologically extreme internet communities.

 Well, an unfortunate sequence of events had to put an end to that post.

 It debuted with the "guidance**" class that was reassigned from its intended day of being held to today, and after all administrative concerns were solved our form teacher began pestering us. About various things.

 The former week she asked us to give her some feedback on a piece of paper by writing and responding to some general themes about how she has handled the class. Feedback about what we liked, disliked, would like to see more of in her management of the class.

 She attested to noticing how most classmates desired some reinforcing of the classmate-to-classmate bonds that are rather absent in my class. She also admitted she would try her best to help the group "clot***".

 Then she begins to pester us about the general conviviality of our classroom, peppered with some discussion about a prom which I am clueless if it is our class who is participating it or merely the new 9th graders who will organize it and the class is discussing it for some odd reason. And how she felt left out, when during the class trip (Which I did not participate in), as she was setting up a camera to take up a picture of the class, nobody invited her in the crowd so that she may be included in the picture.

 During this I tried preparing myself for a dash to the class door, but hesitated knowing that she may follow the prating with some more information that would be relevant to the school schedule or documents we have to bring in at the start of the year. She didn't, and by the time I realized this I've already made her alert of my intentions by dishing out a few snide "Can we leave now?"s when she paused from talking. Planned on running out of the class and undermining teacher's authority like a smugster, ended up only squirming around in my chair with my backpack in hand and getting reprimanded twice or thrice like the cringelord I am.

 This wouldn't have been as bad if she had not forced us to stay in class well beyond the time a regular class would have lasted.

 Then I get home and everything seems to go well. The weather was very grey and since my mood seems to be tractable when it comes to being affected to the weather I was pretty gloomy, but otherwise calm.

  Then my little brother**** comes to me asking to help him download some game he used to play on a previous tablet that had since been proven to have been defective since production and replaced with his current one, asking me to show what games he should uninstall to make space for it. I pick a game of his at random (It was an idle game - And those are by design meant to swell up more and more) and he intervenes and tells me to not delete that one. I tell him that he know best what games he doesn't like so I leave the uninstalling to him. Then he comes sobbing to me telling me that he's uninstalled games and he still can't download it, and I shoo him. Not the most brotherly thing to do, but there was nothing more I could have helped him with.

 Now we need some frame of reference - In recent months I've noticed I'm more prone to lashing out at people over less, being brazen and raising my tone. This is especially the case with my little brother whenever he rages at one of his games in a room adjacent to mine allowing me to hear him. Especially when he begins swearing, which is just a rod of hot iron poking me deeper into reality as I'm trying to escape it on the computer, because I've been partially an accomplice in aiding my little brother in "enriching my vocabular" (I often avoid swearing now, if that somehow vindicates me). But my parents and his classmates were definitely a stronger influence on him than I was. Back on topic, when he rages I get especially frustrated and usually come to confiscate his tablet when he passes my threshold, which is often changing in location depending on my mood. This is tackling a symptom but not a problem, which is the fact that he is really spoiled. I plea that if I were to try and make my brother live a more functioning life I would have to do so in aspects that might upset mom, which would incite her to take away my computer resulting in no gains being made. As such I resort to just isolating myself in my room and being grumpy to anybody that disturbs me.

 Frame of reference given. This occurence has obviously made my brother even more hysterical than usual, to which I respond to being even more wroth than usual. I take his tablet again and am more hostile to him before isolating myself on the computer and typing this post. The crux of which I can finally get into.

 The stress I've had today has made me feel a sensation in the top-left part of my brain. I'd describe it as a pressure. My right arm and leg also felt very faintly numb, but I've seen no differences in my eye sight or other symptoms of brain injury. Still, this is a worrying precedent and I'm anxious that if I keep on this attitude of volatility I could be very well having strokes at 30. Or even earlier. Who can tell?

 This is the last and core sentence of my post, to which I've dedicated all these paragraphs to as a foundation: If you're somevody that stumbles upon this blog in a period of inactivity that has lasted for over a year, you can be certain I've popped a brain vessel and I'm dead. Let's hope this will never be the case.

___

 * - Original meme lingo do not steal

 ** - I am still thoroughly clueless as to what an English analogue for this class's name would be.

 *** - That is the exact English translation of the word she used. Which has very negative connotations in its English version though in Romanian it is also an innocuous synonym to strengthening. I've also about the potential strokes I'm concerned about having to face further on in the main body of the post. Meme magic at work.

 **** - I rarely if ever bring him up in this blog. That's because there is minimal interaction between us two.